Child welfare professionals know that children are safer and healthier when the adults in their lives have healthy relationships, but most social workers are not trained to educate couples about strong relationships and marriages. Researchers at the University of Missouri are working to train child welfare professionals and future social workers to help individuals and families strengthen their relationships.

Funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families, Healthy Relationship and Marriage Education Training (HRMET), is a five-year project facilitated by MU Extension and David Schramm, assistant professor of human development and family studies and state extension specialist in the MU College of Human Environmental Sciences. The purpose of the project is to develop training programs that give child welfare workers basic tools to foster positive relationships. The ultimate goal is to improve the stability and well-being of children by helping their parents and caregivers form and maintain strong couple and marital relationships.

“Many parents face multiple stressors that can weaken their couple relationships and spill over into parent-child relationships,” Schramm said. “If social workers can teach parents to be more kind, understanding and respectful in their couple relationships, the result will be safer, happier environments for children.”

HRMET’s curriculum is two-pronged: a graduate-level course for social work students at MU and online and one-day training sessions for child welfare professionals. Both courses give current and future social workers simple tools to help parents choose partners, manage conflict and remain committed in their relationships.

“Most social work graduate programs focus on helping children, so the subject of healthy relationships for parents tends to be left out,” Schramm said. “This project is exciting because the fields of human development and family studies and social work are merging for the first time to create better tools for child welfare professionals.”

The graduate course is being taught for the second time this fall; six workshops were offered in the summer for social work professionals. More than 200 social workers throughout the state have received training and the feedback indicates that it is meeting a need within the profession.

“I learned a great deal about communication within couples, different communication styles and how to teach partners to communicate positively,” said a HRMET participant. “As a child welfare worker, I can now identify problems within clients’ relationships, explain to couples how their relationships affect their children, and offer them tools to help open the lines of communication.”

Source: Samantha Craven, University of Missouri-Columbia, via EurekAlert

Along the way, they should not shy from asserting their roles, said Jennifer Bellamy, an Assistant Professor at the University of Chicago School of Social Service Administration.

“Sometimes dads feel like they don’t get the same level of support that moms do when they become parents, but I think dads should seek opportunities from the beginning to be involved with their children,” said Bellamy, who worked on a research project in Texas on fatherhood and has published on the subject.

“Fathers should, for instance, try to go to visits with the pediatrician and ask questions about their child’s development,” she suggested. She also said fathers should seek out groups in their communities that provide support and encouragement for fatherhood and visit websites devoted to fathering for tips on their role. Such resources can help fathers develop their distinctive strengths as parents.

“We know that fathers play with children in a different way than mothers do, they are more physical, and that benefits the children. That physical activity actually helps the children’s development,” she said.

The 2010 U.S. Census showed that were 70.1 million fathers across the country and 25.3 million of those are in married couple families with children under age 18.

The Census also showed some dramatic changes for fathers; 1.8 million fathers head a single-parent household. The 2010 Census showed that men headed 15 percent of single-parent families, three times the percentage reported in 2000. In contrast, the 1970 Census showed that men headed only 1 percent of the single-parent households.

The School of Social Service Administration is a leading research center for the study of fatherhood. It provides field placements for its students in social service agencies serving young fathers, and the school’s faculty is among the nation’s leading scholars in family and fatherhood issues, particularly among fathers who need help from social workers.

Some of Bellamy’s fieldwork, for instance, has been done with low-income never married parents and their children. In her work with the Texas Fragile Families Initiative program, Bellamy and her colleagues have been able to show how effectively interventions help young fathers.

“Birth was often a ‘magic moment’ for the young fathers, many of whom reported becoming more responsible individuals in response to the feeling of attachment they had for their children,” she said.

Successful programs were able to help connect young fathers with training and employment programs. The study found that school-focused programs, team-parenting programs, and community- based fatherhood programs were most useful in helping young dads develop.

Young fathers in effective programs were less likely to face criminal or substance abuse problems and were more willing to ask for parenting help. An evaluation of successful programs also showed they seemed to reduce repeat teenage births.

Working in the Texas program was something of an eye-opener for Bellamy. “I had never really thought about fatherhood issues. The literature I was exposed to as a master’s student in social work did not really discuss fathering, but working in the program made me realize what an important field it is,” she said.

Source: William Harms, University of Chicago, via EurekAlert

One out of every seven new mothers has post-natal depression – but, according to the Fatherhood Institute, one out of every 10 fathers are depressed both before and after their baby is born.

The peak time for fathers’ depression is thought to be between three and six months after the birth.

Like women, they can struggle with the huge life changes a baby brings, says Fatherhood Institute research head Adrienne Burgess.

“Hormones, lack of sleep, increased responsibility and general life stresses can apply to men just as much to women,” she said.

“And if their partner is depressed, then men are more likely to be too.”

Men and women who have pre-existing mental health problems are more at risk of developing depression after the birth of a child.

But a father’s depression can begin during pregnancy, when relationships are already changing. Fathers can feel left out while their partner is the focus of increased attention.

Association for Post-natal Illness counsellor Liz Wise says: “Women can feel they do things best, like changing a nappy or feeding.

“They can be quick to criticise their partners and take over.

“They don’t think about how it could undermine a man’s confidence.

“In the end their partner will stop offering to help and that could lead to a breakdown of communication and then resentment.”

It has also been suggested fatherhood is not recognised as a life-changing event, the way motherhood is.

Ms Burgess finds it shocking that fathers are not invited to ante-natal appointments.

“When the pregnancy is confirmed, the GP should invite the mother and father to come in.

“We need a directive that says you should ask about the women’s partner too.

“That way they can pick up if he has any issues.

“Then they’re more likely to be able to assess the more vulnerable men.”

Both mothers and fathers can feel tired, stressed, emotional, inadequate and guilty as a result of being depressed – but they react to those feelings in different ways, which can make picking up the signs more difficult.

It is said that men with depression get mad, while women get sad.

Drinking too much, self-medicating and having affairs can all be signs of fathers with depression, say experts.

“Men are probably better at bullying the world around them when they are not happy, whereas women tend to internalise more,” says Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Research also indicates children are at increased risk of emotional and behavioural problems in families where fathers are depressed soon after the birth, the impact can be traced up to the age of 11, and boys are more affected than girls.

“If you’re really seriously, clinically depressed you care about nothing,” says Mr Hodson.

“Depression is the worst pain imaginable and it’s almost inevitable that someone else has to get involved to get you out of it.”

The key is to access that support at the earliest available opportunity.

Counselling, psychotherapy, cranial osteopathy, massage and reflexology are all seen as potentially therapeutic, as well as resting, eating properly and writing down feelings in a journal.

Ms Wise says men should be treated in the same way as women.

“We tell them it’s not uncommon, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and we give them as much information as we can.

“Sometimes just acknowledging it works, and counselling and talking about it helps too.”

Parenting charity the National Childbirth Trust has produced a leaflet for fathers, called Becoming a Parent.

It says: “Remember dads can also suffer from the depression, brought on by anxiety about their new circumstances.

“Don’t bottle it up. Speak to your partner and your family and friends. Find out if there are dads’ groups locally that you could meet with.”

Source: Philippa Roxby, BBC News

Six researchers-M. Minda Oriña of St. Olaf College; W. Andrew Collins, Jeffry A. Simpson, Jessica E. Salvatore, and John S. Kim of the University of Minnesota and Katherine C. Haydon of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign-used the rich mine of data in the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA), coupled with a lab procedure, to look for the answers.

Their findings, which will be published in the June issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, suggest that supportive, involved mothering in toddlerhood and an ability to work through conflict in adolescence are good predictors of becoming the “strong link”—the person with the bigger stake—in adult relationships. If the opposite happened in earlier life, chances are the person will be the “weak link”—the one with one foot out the door.

Equally important, though, is what these predictors don’t account for: It’s good to be prepared for love. But it takes two to tango.

Interestingly, it’s not the partners’ individual commitments that make the most difference in the grace and longevity of the dance. It’s how well their levels of commitment match up. Two strong links will be benevolent and tolerant when the going gets rough. Two weak links may be lax about working things out, but their expectations are equally low-so there’s less friction.
But when a weak link and a strong link pair up, the one with less investment has more influence-and stability is the loser.
The researchers recruited 78 MLSRA participants, 20 or 21 years old, and their heterosexual romantic partners. A questionnaire assessing each participant’s level of commitment was analyzed alongside data from two earlier points in the longitudinal study. First, two-year-olds were observed doing a difficult task while their mothers looked on. Did their mother laugh, help, or ignore the child? Second, at 16, the subjects recounted dealing with a conflict with a best friend, and were assessed for relational attitudes and skills.

This time, each couple discussed-and tried to resolve-the problem that caused them the most conflict. Then they talked about the things they agreed on most. Their videotaped interactions were rated for the amount of hostility-coldness, rejection, and remorseless injury-and hopelessness about the relationship that each partner displayed, and how each tried to quell those in the other.

As expected, the couples with disparate commitments were the most hostile.

The study contributes to our understanding of how we learn to love well. When you’re a baby or a teenager, “you are learning to manage your own needs and those of the people you care about,” Oriña says. “You learn: Can I come forward with a problem? What can I expect of the other person? And how can I do this in a way that everyone wins?”

Source: Association of Psychological Science via EurekAlert

But here’s one more thing you need to do: Learn how to argue well with your spouse.

A new study from Ohio State University shows just how physically harmful it can be to argue the wrong way. In the study, 37 married couples were brought into a hospital research lab, and a tiny vacuum device gave them eight 8-mm blisters on their forearms. Each couple was then videotaped while having conversations, and researchers graded them on their communication skills, noting who had distressing or hostile styles of communicating.

After 12 days, the researchers noticed that the blisters healed faster on the couples who had more positive communication styles, and the blisters healed the slowest on the couples with more negative styles.

Why would physical wounds heal more quickly among the better communicators? The researchers at Ohio State who did the study think it might have something to do with oxytocin.

“Oxytocin is a protective hormone,” says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, the lead author of the study, who noted that the better communicators in her study – the ones whose wounds healed the fastest – had the highest levels of oxytocin in their blood.

The study was recently published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology.

There are certainly many examples of high-profile troubled marriages. For example, actor Charlie Sheen was arrested in connection with an argument he had with his wife last Christmas Day; a court hearing on the case was delayed Monday. But husbands and wives don’t always make the connection that stressful marriages can actually harm your physical health.

“People get very surprised when they hear that marital stress is actually worse for your health than workplace stress,” says Tara Parker-Pope, author of “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.”

Overall, couples with more marital stress have worse immune function and higher blood pressure and heart rates, according to Debra Umberson, a professor of sociology at the University of Texas, who studies couples and stress.

“Marital stress is so pernicious because it’s chronic, long-term, and you can’t get away from it,” she says “You’re having these problems day in and day out year after year, decade after decade.”

While both sexes suffer, some, but not all, studies show women suffer more physical effects from a bad marriage than men, Umberson adds.

Of course, having a happy marriage or relationship is easier said than done. Here are some tips for limiting marital stress to make you happier and physically healthier.

1. Argue well

“We tend to focus on how often we fight – as in, ‘we’ve been fighting a lot lately’ or ‘we’ve haven’t fought much lately,’” Parker-Pope says. “But that’s actually pretty meaningless. What really matters is the quality of your arguments.”

Let’s say, for example, your house is messy. You have a choice: you could say something like “This house such a mess, and you never help me clean it up” or you could say “I want us to learn how to be neater.” The latter, marriage experts say, is better not just for your marriage but for your and your partner’s physical health.

“Any elements of criticism or demand make your words stressful,” Umberson says.

Here’s another example. Let’s say your partner has just baked cookies and the kitchen looks like a hurricane hit it.

“You could walk into the kitchen and notice the mess but not the cookies,” she says. “Or you could say, ‘It smells great in here, and I can’t wait to have one of those cookies, but wow, it’s messy in here.”

If you think style doesn’t matter, think back to that Ohio State study, Parker-Pope adds.

“Think about those blisters, and how slow they were to heal after a nasty comment,” she says. “This should make everyone stop and realize, ‘I need to think about what I’m doing to my health and my partner’s health and make sure I’m fighting well to stay well.’”

2. Your spouse is annoying – accept it!

Umberson noticed something interesting in her studies of happy couples.

“It’s always been striking to me that when people get along, they just accept something annoying about their partner. They don’t try to alter it,” she says.

Case in point: The wife in one of her happy couples had the habit of stacking up books in various places around the house, including doorways. Her husband wasn’t thrilled with it, but he learned to live with it – and more.

“He saw her as a creative, interesting, quirky person,” she says. “He just saw it as a reflection of why he’d fallen in love with her in the first place.”

Here are more tips on how to have a happy marriage from the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.

3. Don’t yell at a yeller

If you’re married to a yeller, don’t yell right back, advises William Doherty, a marriage and family therapist and professor in the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota.

“Be strong without shouting,” he says. For example, if you’re dealing with a chronic yeller, you could respond by saying in a calm voice: “This behavior that you’re doing now I will not accept in this relationship, and if you continue it, I’m leaving.”

4. Limit the Greek chorus

Doherty says he’s noticed that women who are unhappy in their marriages will often confide in their girlfriends, and the typical response tends to be, “What a jerk!”

While it’s fine to seek support from your social circle, it’s also important to go to a counselor, who will do more than commiserate, and actually help you find a solution to your problems, which might include identifying the role you’ve played in your marital difficulties.

The website for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy can help you find a therapist near you.

5. Recall the happy times

Even in stressed-out marriage, there are often moments of happiness. Tracy Todd, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Virginia, and spokesperson for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, recommends analyzing them.

“Think of some recent times that were OK to positive. How did they occur? What did you do to help create the situation? What can you do to recreate a more positive environment?” he says. “Recall exceptions to the bitterness.”

Source: Elizabeth Cohen, Senior Medical Correspondent via CNN